This may seem extreme at first glance, but I have reasons you may not have considered. Humans have so many normal + unconscious behaviors in society, that most of them continue happening unchallenged and unanalyzed. They’re just “part of life.” You may not think “harmless” celebrity crushes are fueling disconnection, but let me ask you this: Are they feeding them?
When did being loyal to your partner get diminished to simply not cheating on them?
When did our standards for love have become that minimal and weak? If MOST people can fulfill that requirement, why don’t MOST people have above-standard relationships? There must be way more to this.
What if we reinstated the depth + value of “loyalty” to include:
- fixing your affection on them
- focusing your attention towards them
- only entertaining what will bring you closer instead of seeing what grey areas you can get away with before it has a lasting negative impact?
You may not think celebrity crushes are fueling disconnection, but I would ask you to reconsider. Consider re-devoting yourself in this area instead of letting it slip. I believe that everything we do in our relationships is either drawing us toward or away from one another. Some will argue that there are “neutral areas” or ones that don’t have either effect. But does that mean they don’t matter?
If they truly have no effect, why are we holding onto them and defending our right TO them instead of letting go of the distractions + devoting ourselves to what will create deep, lasting connection?
Just a thought.
“It’s unrealistic to expect each other to not find other people attractive.”
Is it? Or have we always just said that?
I remember it clear as day. Micah and I were getting to know each other over coffee (this was before we were a couple bc this is what you do when you’re “talking” lol). With both hands tight around my iced latte I said, “You know how people always say they think ___ celebrity is so hot / that’s their crush? Yeah, I don’t believe in that.” After my past experiences, I was nervous to say it, but I felt he deserved to know. The straight-up, no B.S. truth I felt on the subject. That’s what I brought as a girlfriend and THAT’S what I wanted from a boyfriend in return. I wasn’t dating to date, I was dating to find my spouse.
When I get married, I’m marrying to be as loyal + devoted to that person as I can.
Before being with Micah, a guy sharing his celebrity crush was like a dagger. It’s like they were screaming, “Here’s the person you’re not and will never be.” For the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me for caring. Each time I shared my discomfort, it wasn’t received well OR I was told, “Well. Sorry.” It only added to the comments of me being a “prude” or “up tight.” But really, it was God calling me to a higher standard for myself + my future marriage.
Hearing a guy tell me their celeb crush (obsessive or not) felt like he was saying: “If I was in another fantasy life and could pick from aaaany person I wanted, I’d pick ___.” And my heart heard:
“You are the person I picked knowing that I can’t be with my fantasy person.”
Not so small when you hear it that way, huh?
Let me give you a more real-life example / parallel. This one brought to my attention how much we have compartmentalized this “norm” to be something we are totally numb to.
Say you and your partner are out on a dinner date and in walks his/her ideal physical fantasy crush. Your partner watches that person walk right past your table, then they lean in to you and say, “Wow. He/She is so hot.” How do you feel? I think we could all agree that would leave us feeling less than, inferior, and even like “Did you really just say that to me?” Most of us would NEVER say that to our date! But why? Because that wouldn’t be respectful, honoring, or affectionate. But MORE IMPORTANTLY, we shouldn’t be feeling that way about someone else who ISN’T our partner. Believe it or not that is a small seed of turning your affection away from your relationship and onto someone else.
If drooling over some hot person that just strutted by would be wrong, why do we make an exception for drooling over people on a TV screen?
Some people would argue that this is harmless and that you can’t HELP noticing people or being attracted to them. Whether you believe that or not, when your eyes and heart are set on the person you ARE with, there isn’t room for this nonsense. It might be “harmless” but just because something isn’t causing immediate/noticeable negative consequences, doesn’t mean it it’s making a positve/loving impact either. You can’t do both at the same time. This date experience would not nurture my connection to Micah.
We have pre-decided that if something diminishes our connection, it’s not for us.
I’m not saying that we all of a sudden get magical relationship blinders that guard us from ever noticing someone else.
There is a difference between appreciating someone and being attracted to them. You can recognize that someone has a great haircut or really awesome style. However, the moment it’s inching towards a visual crush, that part of your affection is at some degree leaning TOWARD that person and AWAY from your partner. It cannot purely go in two directions at one time.
When Micah and I chose each other, it was beyond the bare minimum of loyalty. We decided to solely be attracted to each other and only point our AFFECTION towards one another. Believe it or not, a “crush” (even just on looks) is still subtle, subconscious affection. We pre-determined that our affection would not be 95% on each other and 5% on our fantasy. It would ONLY be for one another.
I’m attracted to the person I choose because I have AUTHORITY to direct my affection WHERE I choose.
I refuse to categorize my affection into
- the person I’m literally with, and
- the person I would want to be with if I were in another life.
Not gonna happen. At the end of the day, I want to know that the person I’m with, till death do us part, is with me because they CHOSE me + WANT me. Not because I’m what they could practically + realistically have.
We have to start being more intentional about what camp we live in and the grass we’re watering. People say “I don’t expect my spouse not to find other people attractive.”
Okay, then don’t expect a marriage that isn’t constantly redefining all of the grey areas within “commitment.”
We have to pick.
Instead of having such a strong defense about how much sideways-looking is acceptable in the relationship, we should be fighting for every ounce of protection there is. Nothing is more important than that to me.
Celebrity crush who? How about lay down your life.
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